The President has authorized the Department of Defense to assist Santa
with the Twelve Days of Christmas.

Status of acquisitions follows:

Day 1 - Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the
process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under.
Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have
the lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land
component command's area of responsibility. After three months of
discussion and repeated OpsDepsTank sessions, a $1M study has been
commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.

Day 2 - Two turtle doves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims
responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine
Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown
that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of
reference are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.

Day 3 - Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate
Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked offshore purchase of hens,
from the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to
find an acceptable domestic alternative.

Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with
the contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged
by a small disadvantaged business.

Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold
plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been
initiated.

Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However,
the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a
mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at
former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC.

Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying
to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been
put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine
why the washout rate is so high.

Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking
training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit
against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution
of the lawsuit.

Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has
been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association."
Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as
long as they're off duty.

Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by
terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue
operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a
"NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue.

Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes
on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the
claim due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program
is in process to bring the pipes into spec.

Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets
are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of
coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by
outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 05.

As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a
High OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support
current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.

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