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[humor] Postfix bounce templates

From: Wietse Venema (wietseporcupine.org)
Date: Mon Nov 14 2005 - 14:13:21 CST


With Snapshot 20051114 going out today, I just could not resist
the potential that bounce message templates introduce into Postfix.

I had several variants in mind; this is a relatively "mild" one.

        Wietse

#
# The failure template is used when mail is returned to the sender;
# either the destination rejected the message, or the destination
# could not be reached before the message expired in the queue.
#

failure_template = <<EOF
From: MAILER-DAEMON (Mail Delivery System)
Subject: News about your email

I have news about an email message that you were trying to send.
Oops... Is THAT your mail? No wonder it came back. Keep trying,
and maybe some day you'll get lucky.

                   The $mail_name program
EOF

#
# The delay template is used when mail is delayed. Postfix will try
# to deliver it while backing off exponentially, until the message
# expires in the queue.
#

delay_template = <<EOF
From: MAILER-DAEMON (Mail Delivery System)
Subject: Still working on that email

Remember that email message you sent a while ago? It seems to be
stuck somewhere... there... I can almost reach it now. If I have
time left over I may give it another try, but it's a low priority.

                   The $mail_name program
EOF

#
# The success template is used when mail is delivered to mailbox,
# when an alias or list is expanded, or when mail is delivered to a
# system that does not announce DSN support. It is an error to specify
#

success_template = <<EOF
From: MAILER-DAEMON (Mail Delivery System)
Subject: Your mail is gone

Well I'll be darned! Your mail didn't get lost and it didn't come
back. It's out of my control now - don't come crying here if you
regret sending that message.

                   The $mail_name program
EOF

#
# The verify template is used for address verification (sendmail -bv
# address...). or for verbose mail delivery (sendmail -v address...).
#

verify_template = <<EOF
From: MAILER-DAEMON (Mail Delivery System)
Subject: Haven't you got better things to do?

Hey! Go bother someone else with your lack of self-confidence.
Stop watching me over my shoulder.

                   The $mail_name program
EOF